Firefly in Japan on the Your-Japan Blog Network

A group of Australians had flown into Japan to train in Martial Arts. I was spending a lot of time with them, and I was thankful for some Australian accents and some crude humour. One day we happened to be training at the honbu dojo (head dojo), and our teacher, Togara-sensei (famous from worlds worst language mistake) was teaching a class soon after this class. Ordinarily, we would have to make our own way to the next class. Today however, he happened to have a very large van, enough space for a few loud and rude Aussies, and an amount of patience far beyond that of most Japanese, so he invited us on board.

Japanese have a stereotype of being very sensitive, quiet, respectful and polite. I¡ll tell you the reason for this stereotype – it¡Çs completely true. Almost all Japanese are the living embodiment of these characteristics. Togara-sensei however, shits all over this stereotype. He is friendly and warm, but at the same time extremely aggressive and forceful – beyond most foreigners I know. It is also said that when you drive a car, your real personality comes out. Put Togara-sensei behind the wheel of a car, and just watch the fuck out.

The raucous, loud, joking Australians were almost immediately silence as he accelerated to 100 kilometers an hour in a 40km zone, before slamming on the brakes and turning the first corner, which sent Australians flying in every direction. The laughter and jokes were immediately replaced with the sound of desperate struggling as everyone tried to secure a seatbelt for themselves. Since I had been in the car before, I was hip to this jive, and was in the front wearing a seatbelt, and purposely sitting right in front of the airbag.

If you can imagine this middle aged, massive martial arts master, wearing reading glasses, driving a large van, filled with crazy Australians, like a rally car – then you can begin to appreciate how funny this picture was. Almost as though he was trying to make the scene even more amusing, he flicked on the CD player, and loud classical music began blasting through the speakers.

By this time, we were on the highway, and he was changing lanes whenever he felt like it. Scaring the shit out of tens of Japanese people driving their mini-cars. A car in front began slowing down, so he drove the car half onto the traffic island in the middle of the road, accelerated to overtake 3 or 4 cars, and then swerved back into the middle lane. We all had our stomachs in our mouths as he was driving like a maniac. Interesting, his expression never changed. He could have been sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer.

After more highway hijinks, he decided he was hungry, and we pulled into a Ramen shop (Chinese noodles). All of the staff waved to him as he entered the shop, and he nodded to the main chef. The chef yelled out ¡Ècoming right up, sir!¡É and about 2 minutes later, there was a hot bowl of Chinese noodles exactly the way Togara-sensei liked them steaming in front of him. Togara-sensei broke a pair of chopsticks in half, and basically inhaled his entire bowl in about 45 seconds flat. He pushed it away from him, and looked over with irritation the other table of Australians, who were trying to decipher the menu. 3 minutes after entering the shop, Togara-sensei was done, and he had to wait for the table of Australians. His brow furrowed, and mouth curled into a snarl. Togara-sensei does not like waiting for people.

I received my meal, and began eating. Even when I¡Çm rushing, it takes me well over 5 minutes to eat the same size bowl as Togara-sensei. I was sitting directly in front of Togara-sensei. I looked at him, he was still snarling with his arms crossed over his chest. I decided to not make conversation. He looked at me. I looked back at him. He suddenly seemed to pause, as though considering something. Then, his snarl unraveled, and turned into a barely contained grin. ¡ÈOh, fuck,¡É I thought. I¡Çve seen this look before, and nothing good has ever come of it. Imagine how a cat with a twisted sense of humor looks at a bird with no wings, or legs, that¡Çs tied to a tree.

Togara : Hey. Firefly.

Firefly : Um yeah hello.

Togara : How are you. Heh. Heheh.

Firefly : Uh¡Ä yeah pretty good, thanks. How are you?

Togara : You like eggs?

Firefly : ¡Äyeah

Togara : Egg¡Ä IT IS GOOD FOR YOU.

Firefly : Ok¡Ä.

By this time, the Australians sense something is going down. Distracted from their Chinese noodle ordering process, they look over at my table, and see Togara burning a hole in my head with his laser vision. I sat there looking uncomfortable.

Togara : You know BEST part of EGG?

Firefly : Uhhh, maybe th-

Togara : THE SHELL.

A couple of Australians started giggling at this point.

Firefly : Oh, right,

Togara : Shell has lots of CALCIUM. Good for your bones. You need good healthy BONES.

Firefly (thinking on my feet) : Right, that¡Çs why I drink lots of milk.

Togara : Milk is SHIT compared to egg shell. HAHA. Yes, Egg Shell.

Firefly : You know¡Ä you could always eat it. If like, it¡Çs so great.

Togara : I ate it this morning.

Firefly : That¡Çs great. So, I¡Çm just about done now, so-

Togara : EAT THE EGG.

He gestured to a small plate with lots of hard-boiled eggs in it. The Australians were all glued to our conversation now. Togara was getting his entertainment. And I was getting very nervous.

Firefly : Haha¡Ä yesss. Haha. Hmmmm.

Togara : *Death stare*

Bunch of Asshole Australians : EAT THE EGG YA PANSY

Firefly : I¡Çm not eating the egg.

Togara (quietly) : Perhaps you did not understand. The egg shell – GOOD for you. Eat. The. WHOLE. Egg. NOW.

Togara-sensei looked at me in a way that made me feel I was one non-compliant egg request away from having a fist put through my head. Involuntarily, I picked up the egg, and examined it at arms length.

Firefly : You¡Çve got to be kidding me.

Togara : GOOD FOR YOU. EAT IT NOW.

Without thinking, I squeezed my eyes shut, and placed the entire egg in my mouth. It fit curiously snugly into my mouth cavity. I suddenly realized what I was doing, and began panicking.

A lone Australian decided to be supportive. ¡ÈHey man,¡É he yelled out. ¡ÈThat thing in your mouth, has been in a chickens ass!¡É. I began dry retching. I opened my jaw, and slowly closed my mouth, chewing down on the shell. The Australians cheered. Togara¡Çs deep laugh sounded out.

To try to explain it - you know when you¡Çre eating an omelet, and you accidentally chew on a miniscule bit of shell? Simultaneously, an overwhelming feeling of disgust and jolt of electricity goes through you as you try to spit it out? Imagine that sensation, multiplied by 50,000. It was the most disgusting thing I¡Çve ever eaten. And I¡Çve lived in Japan for 5 years.

It took me a minute and a half of solid chewing. I almost threw up 3 times during the process (4 if you count the initial dry retch). I ate that egg whole. Togara-sensei sat back and watched, thoroughly enjoying the whole process. I sat there looking green, on the verge of throwing up.

Togara : HAHA ! VERY GOOD. Good strong bones. HAHA. Dumbass.

After we left the restaurant, an Aussie friend came up to me.

“Hey brother,” he said with a hand on my shoulder. “I hope you chewed that egg very, very well. Because the human stoma
ch cant digest egg shells very well, and it¡Çs going to cut it¡Çs way out of your ass like a pack of 10 razor blades”. I looked at him in disbelief. ¡ÈAre you serious?¡É I said, ¡ÈI thought it¡Çs supposed to be a good source of calcium!!¡É. He looked at me in pity for my gullibility, and shook his head sadly.

We drove off ignoring most of the road rules, and I sat in the front seat again next to the airbag. I would wait one and a half uneasy days for my uncertain fate. As it turns out, human stomachs aren¡Çt very good at digesting egg shells. Never trust a bored martial arts master.